I fought the law and…

So you remember that ticket I got back way back when? The one I totally didn’t deserve, considering I didn’t break the law?

Wanna find out how it ended?

I WON!

SUCKA PUNK WHAT WHAT!

Okay, so, like, yeah

I put on my best church-goer costume (only the alan-bolt cuff-links gave me away as a closet proletariat) and went down to the courthouse today to manfully contest the injustice of a ticket I received from a Berkeley police officer who felt that the proper place for a bicycle was “not there” where “there” is defined as “where you are at any time.” I hung out with the other defendants outside the coutroom, mutting about cops and staring over our shoulders at the group of cops who were mutter about motorists and staring at us over their shoulders. It was like high school, but with more ties.

We were sworn in and watched a film–projected onto a screen which descended from the ceiling–of a nice judge explaining to us in very short words what was going on, what they expected of us, the process, etc. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times; may contain nuts. Once the Wizard of Oz had retracted back up into his Ceiling Lair Of Explanatory Monologues, we got on with the business of waiting for the judge. Finally, the time had come.

“Defendant in the Hale matter?”

I sprang to my feet like an Eagle Scout, brimming with respectability and truthfulness, dossier of satellite photos/cross examination questions/logical traps/rhetorical tricks/etc. in hand, ready to engage in a Grishamesque battle of legal wits with the judge, officer, and stenographer if need be. “Yes sir,” I bellowed enthusiastically.

“Do we have an officer in the Hale matter?”

Pause.

“Nobody?”

I looked around, expected a surprise attack from behind. The devious buggers would stop at nothing.

“Okay, dismissed. Take a seat over there.”

So I sat down, kind of nonplussed, and one of the clerks got me to sign something and cough up a current address, and they told me they’d mail me back my money in a few weeks.

Yeah. Anticlimactic. I had a goddanm printout of the intersection from Google Earth, and the officer didn’t even show up.

So… Happy Bike To Work Day! I didn’t bike to work. I didn’t even bike to court. I walked. I did bike down to the Japanese tool store on San Pablo and got a really nice santoku knife for the kitchen.

(If you’re wondering why I’m writing about this now, we finally got an internet connection in the new house. I should be asleep, I know.)

This entry was posted on Friday, May 19th, 2006 at 12:38am and is filed under Bicycles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.